a_martyrs_life

skydiver

2006-03-01T16:35:02Z

skydiver

The truth is you’re not like all the rest
I don’t care what you believe
I don’t even care if you think the opposite about me
Maybe my overanalyzing thoughts of every word you said
Brought along a distance such as this
But the truth is you’re not like all the rest
I really don’t care what you believe
And I think I haven’t even seen the best of you yet
Not that I’m writing myself in to your calendar for the year

I adore the way you let life be as beautiful as it wants to be
Take moments in your day to stare at this February sky
There’s something in the way you wrap your lips around cigarettes at night
That steals my attention like a thief
If you only knew the nervousness when you turn out the lights and walk my way
When every move feels like slow motion
Making dreams in a foreign bed while I’m awake

I can never tell you how much I want to thank you
For reviving the better half inside of me
And I know as you end this day
You’ll lay your head down with a smile deservingly
And just in case you wanted to know
The truth is you’re not like all the rest
I don’t care what you believe

chalkboard

2006-03-01T16:34:34Z

You came and stared me straight in the face
And said you wanted the truth
Well, baby, I’ll give it to you
If I had a word for every time we fucked
I’d have a novel by now
A best seller in the New York times
And if I had a bullet for every time you brought me down
Well, baby, you’d be dead by now

merlot

2006-03-01T16:33:59Z

merlot

A cut
So deep it doesn’t even bleed at first
Slowly it pushed it self deeper and deeper until it reached bone
Left there bleeding and pleading for help
Rushed in to surgeons and nurses
Quickly the bleeding stopped
The blood that had dried was wiped clean
Sutures put in place to close this gap
Time
Only time can heal this now
The doctors did what they could and they did it with ease
Now only a faint scar
Barely visible to any ones eye
But a reminder to yourself that the past is real
On the surface its smooth
No pain
No bleeding
No stitches
But deep inside it still bleeds
Slowly it heals its self to the surface
But not until then can you say you’re ready to move on

greypond

2006-03-01T16:33:27Z

GrayPond

A sepia tone in a black and white limousine line
Wanting to be remembered thru any viewers lens
Shipwrecked alone in the death of the night
From the tombs beneath the sea came a florescent light brigade
Reeking havoc on my eyes melting all the way to my broken wilted spine
Like the syllables to a poets forbidden verse
Dispatching truth thru umbilical cords in your finger tips
Comatose nerves in my legs bringing me to my knees
Like sunset rays and pollen fumes
Beauty like this is rare, but proof
That my imagination can be trusted
With every flick of your tongue
Came words wrapped like jewels in handkerchiefs heated by the sun
Tighter and tighter the noose of true emotion became
Torn from my flesh for the new skin you’ve made
Porcelain perfect features
And a lovers serum glaze on your lips
The pushing and pulling of your sweetheart hips
Move from side to side like a sinners river flow
Transfixed in the rhythm beat of a cherubs serenade
I want to feel the vibration from your skeleton thumping up against mine
And hear the crackle of the blue flames blazing in our eyes
I’ve sunk my teeth into cupids corpse and his blood fills my veins
The marble monuments of my ruin temple are polished with every welcome back sign
So just tell me this before my feet hit the ground
Am I, a stranger to your city gates, here because of fortune?
Or a brainstormed plan to sneak in and rebuild the valleys of your love
Left bare after a withering defeat?
So just tell me this
Because rocketeer I’m yours

bff

2006-03-01T16:32:56Z

B.F.F.

“There’s nothing wrong with a guy like you”
But there’s someone out there standing in bar with something I don’t have
What’s out there is what you’ll get
So go chase what you cant see
I’ll be here rehearsing my debate to “its not you, its me”
At least you tried to find something more to me
I guess that’s good enough

I kept you warm
In those freezing sheets
Stumbled on poems
For you to keep
But once again the same ending plays its self out

A week alone on your apartment floor
Thinking about what’s old and new and what’s out there you haven’t seen
Every night before you sleep
You search for the cure to end it sweet
Before it gets too far and your stuck in arms of mediocrity
But at least you tried to make it right
I guess that’s good enough

I showed you art
In a place you’ve never been
I drank wine
While you drank gin
Then like every time I find myself back at home in an empty room

Maybe if there was more to me
Then clever thoughts about the world today and pre-teen poetry
I wouldn’t have this friendship ring
And I’d be the one you dream and brag about
Instead I’m here just in case you feel alone at night
And need a friend to talk to until you fall asleep
At least I tried my best to make you believe
I guess that’s good enough

a_martyrs_life @ 2006-02-01T08:40:00

2006-02-01T16:39:16Z

I have some pictures of our happy faces
I’ve got pictures of us in different places
We should take more
When we can fake it
So we don’t look bored
Or cut the tension with a big sword

I can drive out to your place by the harbor
You can tell me how you believe you’re the martyr
And I will listen to you
Then you’ll call me a baby
I’ll say I know, but regardless I don’t think we are ok

Our love has nothing but rabbits feet and 4 leaf clovers
Maybe were paralyzed from the chest down cause we don’t know that its over
Or maybe it’s the big box
With all of our happy photos in it
And you’ve got my poems
But a heart with nothing in it

a_martyrs_life @ 2006-02-01T08:37:00

2006-02-01T16:37:09Z

What is Love?
Optimism or Fact or Both?

There is a small, aged weeping willow
In the far back center of the most beautiful field of flowers

If you turn your back towards its dying, whispering leaves
You’ll get the view you believed only heaven would look like

But still there is something which takes away from that
Most picture perfect landscape
Even with your back standing guard to your eyes view
The whispering of the leaves
The breaking of the bark
The deadness of the surrounding flowers due to the overpowering shadow
Created by bug infested silhouette of the tree
Makes this garden of heaven…

Normal

And if you face this distraction
Trying your best to remember what is behind you
You will soon forget and you will soon become a believer
That this field is just the background to this weeping willow tree
Yet you find new ways to hide the misplaced life

Squinting to blur the background

Pretending not to see it there

Telling yourself how lovely the flowers are over and over and over
As if trying to convince yourself
That there is far more beauty in this field
To be all in one place
And for that you are thankful even if there is
One small oddity in the far back center

But you cant help think to yourself
If there is a place such as this here,
How can I be sure there is not another just like it?

Or better?

One without a weeping willow

And from life lessons and travels of a fold out map
You know for certain there will be a place such as this field of flowers
And it will not have an old beaten down tree

Though the size of the field might be smaller
and the flowers a lot duller
It will still be a beautiful sight to see

Though

While you are gazing at the blooming pedals of this new landscape
It will not remind you of the way heaven would look
But instead of the most beautiful field you have ever seen in your lifetime
And that one lonely weeping willow in the far back center
That polluted acres of beauty

Was there something more to the tree that eyes couldn’t see?
Or was it a warning that the flowers soon too will have death
amongst the brightly colored pedals?

Waiting to find out is a dangerous gamble
Even for the most optimistic person
No one wants to see such beauty erased right before their eyes

Running tests to the soil and looking after each bloom of life
May seem like work but you’ll know
If the stalking shadow in the far back corner will
Spread its death to every precious stem

Or is knowing that one day
it is likely that the flowers will decay
A much safer bet to take?

But still you can believe
that there is reason for the weeping willow
it is the reason all the flowers around it look so beautiful
and this
is the reason why heaven looks so good with hell by its side

a_martyrs_life @ 2006-02-01T08:35:00

2006-02-01T16:34:51Z

Hollywood’s embrace

A life that’s under seize isn’t much of anything at all
Taking away the spectacles that God’s hand has made
The shadows this war has cast, black even the most vibrant hues
Making false distances and wrinkles in the smooth
Fueled by seven deadly sins is your excuse for this mess
Dancing towards a purpose and the thought of being put into a place for keeps
Finds you standing against the wall feeling alone like a secret to the deaf
Marksmen with their bullets of drugs and misleading compliments
Setting bull’s-eye on your dreams of a simple life and simple love
An empty stage, an open door, falling sky, and salty sores
I thought you said you were leavin’ ?
A city sleeps beneath this fight for life disease
Leaves blow thru the streets as free as the people you meet
There is beauty that you’ve never seen right outside your window
Expand the light of your tunnel vision and light up a new neighborhood
Step away from the train wreak masterpiece
Adjust your eyes back to a passion on the other side of the mirror
Clear your throat for screaming action
Learn new steps to a dance you used to know
Appreciation for art makes love a believable idea

a_martyrs_life @ 2006-02-01T08:33:00

2006-02-01T16:33:40Z

rocketeer

I met a girl like you once
She kissed me and told me I’d be in her dreams
But I wasn’t in anything other then her sheets
“your too young for love” is what she said
“there’s still so much for you to learn, there’s still so much pain to take.”
So what do you believe?
Is love just a goldmine where lovers axe away searching for that gorgeous gold?
Taking away a little at a time
And when its done its done
Or is it more a volcano rumbling beneath the earth
Building more and more below the surface of the curious lovers feet?
Until the right day when it will flow into the streets
She had love like a goldmine
I searched day and night for any sight of a shiny piece of gold
But her love had been pillaged leaving nothing but old bones and earth covered walls
But you came to me in such a peculiar way
I refuse to believe you’re a goldmine of soot
I could sit completely alone in a windowless room
And feel so warm and alive
Well who knows maybe its just your hypnotist eyes?
But you’re an apparition inside of me haunting my mind
So to prove myself that I’m not always wrong I shot forth into space
Sitting alone on the face of the moon in a crater skipping moon rocks across the seas
The city lights look like tiny freckles from this height
The world has its ways of finding love for all of its people
What about the space boys dodging comets day by day
Can it reach out here to me, can it reach out into infinity?
In glass you stand with open eyes
Aware of love and its big surprise
To ravish thru your only chest, leaving you with nothing left
But I’m up here with no oxygen to breath
Wondering if you’ll be the girl with volcano eyes or a goldmine heart that’s been empty for years
It’s a mystery but what pleasure in the world isn’t a risk to take?
I’ve chosen to believe that you’ll put your jet pack on and soar out to me
Leaving the world that binds us all with the oceans and the leaves
But time is cutting close and its so hard to hold my breath this long
Just prove to me there’s a meaning behind the lips you give in the passing weekend nights
And that you’ve chosen where to be and you’re not lost in a search for a way to leave
So we can topple back down to home
And rest at night knowing were not alone

a_martyrs_life @ 2006-02-01T08:33:00

2006-02-01T16:32:55Z

Poison tongue

I fake my way around this orchard filled with apple trees
Hiding from the serpents swinging from the leaves
“Fill up those blue eyes and run your life into the dark
Knowing that all your dreams have been destroyed”
Tear me open and pin my skin down with the splinters in the bark
Pillage my open chest for something useful, something worthy to keep
Leave me collapsed and memorialized like a bleeding abortion scar
Make believe that this life isn’t real, make believe that I don’t feel
“You could kill yourself now, to save yourself from a cut that never heals,
Pray to the heavens, pray to old lovers, pray to the God behind the stars.
No one will hear you, no one can save you now, you’re far too deep”
Forget the shame inside my blood and the world that brought me here
I’m just cutting my own wrists with pieces of a broken mirror
Make them all pay for the murder of the boy I used to be
Suicide wasn’t designed for kings but for the steps they take leading to their thrones
I can not escape the nightmares of the man who drown in his own tears
Or the boy who was crucified by everything he fears
The venom of their words runs wild thru my veins
Make believe is all that can help me now

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-12-12T12:32:00

2005-12-12T20:31:10Z

The truth and the discovery that I’m not brave

There is a moment in everyone’s life when they realize that they are not wanted or needed by someone.

That moment when you realize you are surrounded by nothing but freezing water and the only one who will hear your shivering screams for help is God.

That moment you finally realize that every minute spent in an altered state of mind or alone at home was only a waste of a short life you could have been living.

That moment you finally have an appreciation for free expression and an understanding of real art.

That moment you realize the world will continue whether you live or die.

That moment you finally recognize you are a child to someone.

That moment you realize the times when you had a hand to hold was the safest place in the world.

That moment you become aware that there are so many ways to live and so many ways to love and it doesn’t matter if it is the way you envisioned for yourself.

That moment you would give every material possession for a chance to love and be loved

That moment you realize that everyone you thought misunderstood you actually understands everything about you and it is your own insecurities that made feel that way.

That moment your standing in a room with water rushing in and no place to go.

That moment that you know the air inside your lungs is the last that you will ever let out thru your nose.

That moment you don’t know where you are and no body even knows you’re gone.

That moment you have to mentally tell yourself to keep breathing.

That moment you find yourself the last orphan standing in the snow in the middle of a burnt down city.

That moment you become a prisoner in a jail of ghosts that whisper in your ear all night about how they died.

The moment of a sorrowful desperation.

The moment of truth

The moment you feel alive for the first time is always the last time.

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-11-09T21:18:00

2005-11-10T05:18:34Z

Love is born at night, where no love should go

Please wont you fix my trembling hands
Make this nervousness go away
How much more of this delusion can I take?
Don’t be afraid to let me down again
You know that I’m always sad
Except when I’m dreaming right along with you
One night with you
Just one night for us to be together once again
Please come back into my dreams again
I just don’t wake up the same when you’re not there
Come and take this pain away
Like you always loved to do
And one day I’ll find a way to crawl inside my head
So we can love each other and feel it the way real couples do
The world spins in search of things they don’t need
So lets meet in a far away place and take photographs of all the little things
That get stepped on along their way
Its getting late and my eyes are swelling shut
So will you come for me in my dreams as I sleep?
I’m starting to feel that my time has come
And it would mean so much to me if you were there in this time of need
Make me the same man you always knew that I could be
I will wait right here
Writing about you in a journal makes you seem so much closer
The pages of scribbles and constant dreams make you seem so real
But one night with you
Just one night for us to be alone
Drawing up plans to bring an imaginary girl to life

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-11-09T21:16:00

2005-11-10T05:17:49Z

Toss and turn

There’s ghost inside my room that watches me when I sleep
She stands beside my bedside just looking lost and confused about where she is
Sometimes when the moonlight is thick I peek an eye open to see her standing there
There’s just an outline of a perfect porcelain figure with an overwhelming sadness in her glow
I don’t mind her watching me wrestle with my sheets
Because deep inside my aching body is the same heavy heart she carried to her grave
But whenever I try and get her name she disappears into the freezing dark
She never cared to know me or about anything I do
She just stands there and watches me dream of things that I will never see
Until my soul leaves my body and we can compare our beaten hearts
Sharing our stories of all the medication taken to ease a constant pain
Hand in hand in the afterlife with a ghost I have never seen
Until that very moment when we lay together in a purgatory full of love

joy

2005-11-01T16:37:02Z

joy

there’s a mirror in my bedroom that tells me the truth

there’s a pillow misplaced somewhere on my bed that listens to my thoughts

I’ve found a fortune in a far away place

but the map back to home seems to be misplaced

sitting alone as an amputee dressed in a black and white trophy thread

visions of the war that took my limbs make me panic like I’ve just been wounded

fighting for another country that even they try and forget

living a normal life seems impossible in this darkness

shackles of prescription drugs line the bottom of my gut

I’d like to taste what famous is really like

I’d like to live like an artist in snake pit of dreams

replace my breath with poetries tangled word

sink my teeth into this love affair that sunk its roots into my skull

make believe is fiction but it smells so good

make believe is fiction

but that shit smells so damn good

A circus parade of needles stretch the makeshift attempts for light

Splinters cover the burning of bleach covered flesh

There’s a good vibration swooning in my ear

It could just be the moonlight and fantasies of laying by a figure just your size

Predetermined creations suffocate the likeness of my heart

There’s a noose swaying above my head dying for the attention of my neck

There’s a casket in the corner with a donations sign posted to the top

In 10 days the temperature will drop

I’ve been enlisted to my knees

I’ve been chosen to make every inch of me bleed

Every last one of the jazz players begin to play this funeral parlor song

Luring her in from her dormitory loft

A mouth infested with beauty rejects this cripple’s slow paced gawk

make believe is fiction but it smells so good when you’re lost

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-10-11T23:58:00

2005-10-12T06:49:49Z

astrology

What are you afraid of?
Why wont you tell me all your fears?
I know you think this is already over by now
Just take a chance
You sleep with one eye open just waiting for me to leave
As I’m lying there sound asleep with my half naked body wrapped in sheets
There’s an orchestra in your eyes
That plays a melody that could make anyone weep
The smile on your face you struggle so hard to keep
Only shows the sorrow that’s really inside
Why are you so sad?
Why wont you give me all your tears?
You can take anything you may need from the old soul I’ve grown to be
Just don’t spend another night looking like you’re waiting for it to end
I know you’ve been told differently
But if you ask me, you have a love worth fighting for
You’ve already got my attention
don’t doubt your every move
I know just who you are
And who you pretend to be
And I know a little rain feels so good to have around
But not when your drowning out your insides
So much that you cant get out
Live like the girl that you want to be
don’t worry about all the silly ways that you think you are perceived
You have a beauty to make a terrible man change his routine
So rest assure you deserve far more then these words coming from me

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-10-11T23:58:00

2005-10-12T06:49:18Z

Extra ice

The choice is yours
Coffee or tea?
I personally am not too fond of the taste of coffee
No matter how its brewed it always tastes burnt
I’ll get us a table next to the art on the wall
We can discuss the choices of colors and meaning behind its frame
We’ve played these roles before
So it shouldn’t be such a stretch
To act like were in love
Well… in ‘like’ to say the least
Maybe you’re not ready for this sort of thing?
To replay our drama series again
And to tell you the truth neither am I
But what’s just an act shouldn’t hurt the way it really did
So what if I’m depressed and dumb as shit
That doesn’t mean I’m empty inside
I was hoping I could tell you all of this without making a sound
But I guess my nervous fingers make that hard to read
Maybe we should just pick apart our surroundings
Pretending we just met
With nervous silent moments
Where I scratch my head and you adjust the collar on your shirt
I’ll bring up my new favorite record just when you bring up the galaxy
This is when our choice of drinks comes to play
To ease that moment of awkwardness
But that feeling makes me feel so safe
And so glad that were sitting in this booth

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-09-02T19:52:00

2005-09-03T02:45:21Z

My mind is shattered glass

Bleed, bleed

Howled the crypt keeper of my chest

Let the blasphemy out thru your hollowed little veins

Scream, scream

Until the air in your lungs turns to blood

And the limbs that cling so heavily fall right off

What you’ll find is that no one is listening

But the cadavers that were left to die just like you

She will write to you and tell you of her obscenities

And how she hates the way you looked into her eyes

There’s a million places you could go

But

There’s only one with open gates

Breath! Gasp!

The blue paper lines are suffocating

You’re tangling them with pre-teen poetry

Stick to feeling sorry for yourself

Celebrate the moment she forgot your name

Cause you know she is

Oh you know she’s throwing herself into sleepless nights and dirty drinks

Making allegations that even God doesn’t want you back

Look pretty,

fake it, fake it

Take a look at your out of context features

The devilish grin spoiling your pity party

Sickle, fickle

Make your darkness sear the nails you crucified yourself with

Tape your confession of your last dying day

Tell us about your isolation

The bleeding lesions and worthless attempts at making her yours

Tell them all in fairy tales

So they’ll believe your bullshit

Lies, lies

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-08-15T23:13:00

2005-08-16T06:13:38Z

(Its ok) Off the 101

I’ve been here before with you
But there’s a change of guards to our chests that make me nervous
You’re the one who called me back when I tried to leave
You met me at the door of your apartment as I waited on the dark street
Showed me your place, but quickly found my place on your bed by the window
With the lights turned off
Were only a pillow away from being one
The sound of you sleeping keeps me right where I am
The city lights bleed thru your off white blinds
That reflect off your off white skin
Making it easy to watch you dream
I could only guess what’s playing inside your mind
But I could only hope that it was me
Just open your eyes and pull me right up next to you
A half bottle of sake still sits between us like a stone in the sea
These minutes turn into hours
And I’m still navigating my way across the tangled sheets
To where your tranquil body rests in a dream
Just as I get close enough to feel the breaths you take systematically
I can see your feel bad face looking me in my eyes
Explaining, “You cant love me, but you can lay right here beside me”
Well that’s alright, just as long as you put your hands on mine
And never mind that we have to wake up early
My heart is beating so swiftly, I’m afraid it will wake you
Just open your eyes and pull me in right up next to you
The rotation on your stereo has run its course
The city noise seems to be finding its way into their beds
I’ve found my place right here next to you
And right now there is nothing more lucky then me
When we wake up in the morning I just hope you will say,
“Last night was nice having you right by my side”

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-08-10T21:50:00

2005-08-11T04:44:43Z

Scribbling Sonnets

There’s something beautiful about a girl

Who’s afraid to show off her legs

And doesn’t mind her messy hair

When the world is fighting outside

She’s sitting in the hallway

Taking photographs of simple things

Sipping coffee and tapping her toes

To those folk albums she made

There’s something beautiful about a girl

Who doesn’t need drizzling grey skies

To stay indoors all day

While the world roams around drunk

She discovers herself on a piano bench

The color of the keys match the skin on her hand

Tiny white fingers with black painted nails

She plays and plays her chaste heart away

There’s something beautiful about a girl

Who has a mind that’s so wide open

That she can see the beauty in the world

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-06-11T23:12:00

2005-06-12T06:08:43Z

California vs. Michigan

You don’t need love to write a love song
All you need are words
But I’ve never been an author of fairy-tales
I’m an honest writer who creates lines about the life I live
Don’t be fooled by other poets
And their well thought lines about no one real
‘Cause these words, these heart led words
Were all put to paper just for you

There was a time when I had an aching heart and sobbing eyes
Well its true that I wrote a lot more back then
But I would never give up your angel eyes
For a few stupid lonely poems

I’d give up every pen in my pocket
And the journal that’s by my side
Just to keep our love alive and strong
Just like it is tonight

You don’t need catchy lines to feel the love in a love song
All you need is one beating organ
So close your eyes tight and empty your mind
Can you see that little light?
Flickering in and out
Shaking like a shiver all about
Well that’s loves way of keeping us on our minds

Does your heart beat irregularly
When you think of everything we’ve done?
Do you find yourself sitting alone with a smile
Just from a photograph of us?
Do you ever hold your own hand at night
and make believe that its mine when were apart?
Do you wish for us every time
The numbers on the clock are all the same?
Do you still believe in love and that we’ve got it made?

Because I do.

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-05-06T20:26:00

2005-05-07T03:24:13Z

I’m just the boy who won your daughters heart

Maybe its selfish that I panic over this different location
But this is a different love in a different situation

Your father knows best
Or at least he believes its true
“stay single for awhile.” in his soft voice with concern

To him there’s a battle in your heart between his and mine
It keeps him up all night wondering who’s love you hold with more care
A jealous daddy or a wise father who knows his place in line?
He’s afraid he’ll fall back and I will sneak on by

“you’ve lost your faith again dear.”
His excuse so you’ll free your time with me

I’ve got this feeling that’s been disturbing my stomach
Since you left your things at your mothers house
That his accusations and arguments are making more sense day by day
I want to believe that everything will stay the same with you only an hour away
I can feel something fleeting, but lets not talk about it now
Lets save our words until you’re out of his house

The constant pressing of his plea mixing with the sound of distance
Is drowning out the meaning of my love
don’t let go
Promise me love…
that’s the only demand I’ll ever give

The youngest one left him once
And he’ll never lose her to some other man again
I hope he knows I’m not just some favorite shirt
That can be replaced with a couple extra dollars in your allowance

He’s puttin’ up the vacancy sign on your chest
Before this lover is even out the door
He’ll draw you the perfect man who’ll act, look, and treat just like him

“there’s no love for you here boy, wont you just go away?
You’re stealing my daughter from Jesus and me.
There’s no time for love other then ,
Wont you just go away… please?”

“This ‘aint robbery sir.
Its just the way love goes.
I knows its hard for you
But you did the same thing to several fathers before.
I never said I was wealthy or a preachers son
So there’s no reason to assume that I cant love a girl
The way you’d like me too
The smile on her face should tell you she’s found something good
But you’ve attached her to your pocket book in hopes she wont run away
I know I’m not the first man to try on your daughters heart to see how its fits
But I’ll tell you now that I like the cut and the way it feels so snug
And when the time is right and I have enough money
I plan to take it off your hands
I wont step down unless there’s a pallbearer taking me away
And even then I’ll haunt every artery and every breathe she takes
I know you believe in hell sir,
And that’s where you’ll send me if you forbid her from loving me
I’m just a boy with tears in my hand
That only she can dry up for me
She said she loves me and that shed take care of me
I’ve got nothing to live for
Except what you’re trying to take from me
I‘m just the boy who won your daughter’s heart
And that’s all I want to be.”

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-03-14T15:31:00

2005-03-14T23:42:56Z

i am a horrible jealous boy
... a grotesque wretch to all things living
A horror of a man
Sick and unable to love,
without the drama that screens itself every night
in between my ears and just behind my eyes.
Spare yourself from this sinner
I am meant for the stages of sideshows
Pay your dollar to watch me cry both inside and out
Hath hell begun its own existence within my chest?
Curse my soul from its freedom…
To roam
To choose
To kill
To love
Forgive only the regretful
And forget the ones who beg
I plead for a new chest
With new lungs
And new ribs to cage my new heart
But still I want my old love
With her regretful past and forgiven hands
For she is clean and virgin to anything of filth
Which is me.
A dirty piece of fashion from a forgotten era
Stake my murderous hands to a post
Tie my worrying feet to a stone
Watch me beg for a better future
Watch me tear my skin more
The chains need be tighter to secure my wrath
Watch me make rivers of blood in my skin that fall to the ground
The salt within my tears only sting my open wounds
The pain is unbearable
This torture wont stop
A crucifixion of my own destroying affection
But in the end I will rise
Learn to walk with a limp
Speak with a broken jaw
And to love with a rebuilt heart
I just pray that you will be there by my side
I pray you will watch me scream for a new day
And then kiss my brow as I slump over for a final breath
I pray you will hold my cold, blue, heavy hand as I rot
I pray you will sing to me the melodies from the juxbox in your chest
I pray when the crust from my eyes cracks and let light in for the first time
Your face will be my first welcome to heaven
I pray you will be the first to lead me to a mirror
So I can admire our matching wings
I pray you will speak no other words for my first day of life then,
“I love you”
“I missed you”
and
“Everything will now be alright”

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-03-14T14:47:00

2005-03-14T22:59:19Z

Bloom

With my face in that tiny gold frame
Watching you stand in your room
Stretching to feel better then I make you
When I fall sick with a jealousy fever
You glance over and become a believer
That love is real

With your face in black and white
Staring at me feel sorry for myself
Writing about how hard life was before
Before you proved to me my life's worth living

Now I have a life with a purpose
And a cure for all the tired nights that I swore I was dying
I feel more alive then I ever have
I don't think I'm going anywhere
So please forgive me for not accepting
That you really have a thing for me and I don't have to drink to feel warm

The seasons are changing to a warmer air
And I'm changing with the same intentions
To give birth to new feelings
That has been hiding underground all winter until now
So lay in the sunlight and open your eyes
Hold me in those arms dressed in a designer stitch

"Despite all your mood swings and make believe cheating tales,
You're true all the way down and that's what keeps me here
So write me a song that we can sing together
Lying entwined on a blanket somewhere
Show me how much is in you
Show me that you still believe love is real

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-03-03T21:58:00

2005-03-04T06:10:19Z

The Killing Trough

We’ll follow you like zombies
To that four posted coffin in your room
There you will make us suffer with your love
Until you’ve had enough
Well sister tormenter…

I’ve had enough.

With a piece of that broken mirror
You use to degrade yourself,
And become ill by what you see
I’ll take that glass and press it deep into my skin
Then look at my reflection to watch death possess my soul

Then pull straight back
And watch the crimson river flow
So get out your guilloches and black umbrella
There’s a lot more blood in me then I thought was so

You’ll never be the same again

The river of spoiled love
Has made its way into my fighting lungs
But I’ll only suffer for a few moments more
And you’ve got your whole life to think of what you’ve done

So save your prayers

You wanted us to feel this way
But you didn’t want us to leave
It’s too late my darling
I’ll never love you again

So dip your tongue in my gasping open mouth
Can you taste the regret?
Doesn’t it make you sick to know you caused this pain?
I know you can taste it
It has coated everything within
Rub your hands underneath my sticky red clothes
And take a deep breath
And refuse to let go
My body is a puddle of my own liquid life
My heart beats slower the more you get close

I’ve given in and I’ve had enough

You’ve seen my crimson river flow
So let my hollow structure fall back down to the floor

Your love was a lie
How is it you still try and make us believe?

Every night you held our nursing little hearts
Taking off your clothes to kiss every open sore
Building fascinations behind our pupils
With a virgin’s coat of arms
Striving for our erections to sink deep into your archive of bliss
Keeping us inside until you shiver at every freckle
And sweat from every pore
A comatose orifice still producing steam
Leaving us wounded in the darkness
Laying face down and bare back
In a chalk outline of your torture box spring

Well there’s no more acting to do on your stage of life
The audience has committed a murderous crime upon themselves

I’ve shackled myself to death’s open front door

There’s a ghost reaper that haunts the valleys of your veins
Hungry for love so much that it’ll kill to get it
But now that I’ve torn through every thin layer of flesh
To give freedom to my name
You look so forgotten
You look just the same

Peel back your cancer to reveal your mothers maiden name
And cry like the river that flows
From my lacerated martyr skin
And dream of the day you can forget all of this

a_martyrs_life @ 2005-02-21T00:03:00

2005-02-21T08:14:52Z

Jealousy strikes like cupid

Sometimes I get the feeling,
that you miss someone else on your long drives home

I guess its ok, I guess its alright?

Sometimes when I’m in my bed thinking of you,
I get the feeling I’m not alone in your heart

I guess its ok, I guess I’ll have to make room

When were in L.A driving Sunset in the rain
I get a feeling in my gut
you’d still be smiling with someone else riding in the front seat

I guess its ok, I guess its just selfish of me

In between kissing and making compliments
I start to worry that I'm an easy piece to replace

I guess its ok , I guess I’m easy to forget

I know he's got arms and a closet full of costumes just like me
So he can hold you the same way that I do

I guess its ok, I guess everyone has a right to love

I know I'm missing a lot of the things
you desire in a boy who holds your heart

I guess its ok, I guess 4 hands are more stable then 2

Sometimes when I'm with you
I can’t see you glowing the way you used to

Sometimes I wanna quit writing
‘cause I know he could write for you too

Sometimes I get a feeling creaking within my ribs
that you're getting everything you need
from someone other then me

[ or ]

Sometimes I get a feeling pounding in my head
that you're holding on to what you want
but mostly holding onto him

I guess its ok, no actually I don't feel alright
So if you had another valentine,
or an old flame still calling your phone
you should say so to me
because I want to feel alright

Sometimes I worry too much about nothing
Which is why I never question you

I guess its ok, I guess jealousy just polluted my veins